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Am I genuine? (lemmy.zip)
submitted 3 days ago by to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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I’m trans. I can’t escape this fact any longer.

But I dont think I could ever come out or transition. I know people will say it would be worth it in the end. But I cannot stress enough just how much this would obliterate me socially.

I’m 34 now.

I’ve only done a few things to change my appearance. I shaved my face and I keep it as clean as possible. I also lost a lot of weight, and am really skinny now. I saw a trans woman YouTuber and felt envy over her body, and I wanted to get as close to that as I could.

I also put on clear nail polish, and I practice my “voice” in the car alone.

I call myself “she” on discord, and take the female roles if the server has it. I just express my inner self in a way that feels natural and I seem to pass fairly well on there. I was talking with one woman on there and asked her something about her job being difficult. She said “girl, you have no idea”. “Girl”. That one thing filled me with such happiness I can’t even explain it.

But That’s basically the extent of my “transition” so far, if I can even call it that. I’m sorry if this post read a bit chaotically. I’m tired and just trying to type this out before I sit down for the evening.

I wholly confess I am just looking for validation. But don’t lie to me. Am I genuine? Even right now can I call myself a woman?

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[–] 6 points 3 days ago*

I think it's entirely reasonable to seek validation, and you deserve it on top of that. It is incredibly difficult to live our honest, authentic selves in the world, downright dangerous honestly. You don't owe anyone a look into your private life, and it doesn't make you less because you have realistic fears about how badly coming out can go depending on your situation. It makes your story sad, and personally, quite familiar. I struggle with the same feelings often, where I feel like I have something akin to impostor syndrome or maybe feeling that I am "stealing valor" from the real queer people. I'm 45, I'm not very far in either, but at a certain point it becomes inescapable, even if I'm only ever going to do it for me and don't "come out" to anyone I used to know. Who you are inside never changes, and this is who you've been, and it can be a nightmare to be facing all alone. If anything, I would think this is exactly the kind of thing forums like this are here for. Nobody else is supporting us, but we can support each other, and the trans community seems to be brimming with love.

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