Thank you, comrade. I hadn't read the description, so... I didn't realize you were a party member as well. I also didn't want to post, or say, or do anything because of not wanting to harm the larger organization. Even in my personal life, I refrained from telling anybody what I went through for like a month. Even my closest friends, because I was told not to and I was so, I don't know, terrified of just fucking up, you know?

I keep refreshing this page to like, I don't know... commiserate with someone? I just hate that I'm like one of those people now, one of the people I was terrified of when I was on local branch leadership talking openly about this stuff because like I think everybody in the party deserves to have the party that is what we all dream of. Like dude, there are so many fucking awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome people that I've worked with, and I'm just so pissed that this comes from National every single fucking time.

I thought this was the one place where National and Locals worked hand in hand because that's exactly what we need in this fucking evil empire. Yet these people fucked it up! These people fucked it up so much and I lost months of my life being completely apoplectic about what I went through.

I just still feel like numb, but pissed. I'm so pissed. I'm just so frustrated that I wasn't the only one. I'm so frustrated that it wasn't just the person I was talking with from national that I begged for help from. I kept telling myself first that it wasn't that big of a deal and then that, you know, it was the tough call to make, but he made the right call. And then I told myself it was just him, you know, and not like a bigger overall issue. But it turns out it goes all the way up to the fucking Central Committee. The fucking Central Committee. Are you fucking kidding me? Are these guys like 12? I thought they built the fucking party that was like historically needed in this fucking moment. It turns out it really is just another place to get abused.

Which fucking pisses me off. I got so much flack from like the anarchist left here where I'm at, which is still pretty significant even with their shocking and horrifying history of sexual abuse scandals that I myself was also subject to. The way I saw it, I would be protected because what kind of communist organization would be so short-sighted to not protect victims? But it turns out, a organization I completely stuck my neck out for, an organization that I helped fucking build locally, just, it just, it just is the same thing. Democratic centralism literally is the tool for liberation, right?

One amongst many, but a pretty important one. And yet, and yet, I always hear how in October 7th, the party started planning and was ready to be in the streets on October 8th while the rest of the left was still paralyzed. That's like the power of democratic centralism. But what the fuck is this shit? This isn't democratic centralism. Hell, in my local fucking branch, our structure of organization has just completely, like, frozen so many valuable, hardworking people. I always have to hear about October 8th whenever there's issues with democratic centralism or our decision-making structure in the party.

I can't say it enough. I nearly lost my job because I was so disabled by my experience. Honestly, the worst part wasn't even what I went through initially, but just the fact that it was covered up and I was forced to trickle-truth so much about it with the people that I loved in my life and trusted comrades, and still, the vast majority don't even know what I went through. I read books about, like, understanding betrayal trauma and shit. I started out feeling numb, but the more I write, the more emotional I get. It feels like a fucking release. I honestly don't blame anyone who's put so much into the party. I did too. But it just sucks. That's all I can say. It just really fucking sucks. I thought we were building the future, and I was wrong.

I'm sorry about your experiences well, comrade. It just hurts so much that we're not alone.

Tragically, self-blame is common, though it's by no means correct. I know you already have come to accept that, but I just want to affirm that point even more. Any "communist" that victim blames doesn't care about either the org nor the victim, the health of the org requires that it properly holds abusers accountable and protects its people.