I've certainly struggled with a sense of sense worth my whole life, never really fitting in anywhere, never really finding another person that understands me, always very susceptible to nihilism and defeatism and isolation. Even being communist/ML its so much easier to just give up and let the world pass you by, after all im just one man what could i possibly change?
I dont like being that way, its of no use and it just further isolates me from literally everyone i know and anyone i could ever meet. I am working, so so very hard, to change how i act. to fight for what i believe. to be a real, whole human for possibly the first time in my life.
I dont know what im doing but im doing something at least; im trying.
The worst part is that while i try to improve i see the few people left in my life stuck in the same mindset (although not as severe as mine was) that while these things are worth fighting for it is ultimately pointless so why try. I can get them to agree, conceptually, that the fight is worth it but, practically, they still would rather rot on their phones (or another such unproductive activity) than try to do something