I hear you.

You spend your life trying to satisfy the rules of conditional love with nothing but severe negative feedback dotted with moments of seemingly genuine affection... only for it all to be dashed away at the slightest perceived sleight (e.g. you didn't visit one weekend because you had to juggle your own life).

At this point I'm living with the idea that a form of unconditional love exists deep deep within, but is unable to express itself because it's overpowered by sheer narcissism (the me me me generation were never taught introspection). Why show pride or affection to your kids when petty jealousy and vindictiveness are the main defining traits of your generation.

I hold onto the good memories as hard as I can (there are quite a few nice ones), but I try not to get my hopes up anymore about the relationship. It is what it is.