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Advice (lemmy.dbzer0.com)
submitted 2 years ago by [M] to c/adhd@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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[–] 4 points 2 years ago (14 children)

Then give examples of what is valid.

Otherwise both problems persist. Misunderstanding by normals and undiagnosed ADHD-affected missing a tool.

I have no idea how to deal with someone that has adhd. I just know that they can't process time the same way other people can.

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  • [–] 2 points 2 years ago (13 children)

    What is valid is mind your business. If you meet someone in a wheelchair, do you start recommending surgical treatments or physical therapy exercises? ADHD is a medical condition, and there is no cure-all treatment or technique that will make the problem go away. You deal with someone who has ADHD with understanding and empathy. If their condition affects you, especially in a negative way (they frequently forget plans, or they are late and you find yourself waiting) then you should honestly communicate those issues. But it's not your problem to fix. Some problems can't be fixed. You're entitled to your happiness, but unless you're their doctor, you don't need to help them come up with a solution.

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  • [+] 1 point 2 years ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)
    [deleted]
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  • [–] 0 points 2 years ago (7 children)

    What a non-answer. I have a colleague with adhd that lost a customer because he couldn't finish a job in time. Quite literally my business.

    How do i help so it doesn't happen again? From all i hear its a treatable issue.

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  • [–] 0 points 2 years ago (6 children)

    What was your single cure-all suggestion to your colleague that fixed him?

    You help by talking with them to uncover the root of the problem and working with them to avoid it in the future. There isn't going to be a simple fix that guarantees it won't happen again. "Just install an app" isn't treatment.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago (5 children)

    It's like you're not reading what i'm saying on purpose.

    So perpetual liability regardless of what we do? Is that the advice you give? Saying "talk to them" is as vague a response as the advice listed from the first comment i responded to.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago* (4 children)

    I'm not sure if that's irony or projection.

    Start over from the top and try reading the whole thing again. But this time, just try to comprehend what I was saying.

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  • [–] 0 points 2 years ago (3 children)

    Comprehension goes both ways

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago (2 children)

    Nothing you said didn't make sense. You're just missing the point. Which more or less was my point, so thanks for serving as an example.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

    Like I said, comprehension goes both ways.

    You still haven't answered the question, so clearly you don't see the perspective.

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  • [–] 3 points 2 years ago

    Okey dokey, I'll spell it out for you again, on the off chance this sticks this time around. Previously I was speaking generally, but this deep into the thread it's just you and me, so I'll try to be more direct.

    You're the asshole this meme is referring to.

    You are the cat, Tom (if you're unfamiliar with the cartoon). You're angry at me because you think I don't understand you, and if I did understand you, I'd realize you are just trying to help. I fully understand what you're saying, and I understand you think you're helping, and I understand you think you should offer advice to neurodivergent people struggling to coexist with you.

    That is precisely why you are the asshole.

    It does not matter if your intentions are sincere.

    I'm going to repeat that, because you don't seem to be listening very well and it's important.

    IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOUR INTENTIONS ARE SINCERE.

    It doesn't matter if your advice is good advice. It doesn't matter if your advice might work.

    Telling a person with ADHD, a medical condition that makes it difficult to do things that seem simple to neurotypical people, to "just make a list and do one step at a time" is callous, myopic, and, at least in your case, obstinate.

    You're being told that your advice is unwanted, and you're like "but what advice am I supposed to give? How am I supposed to fix you if you don't want my help? Why won't you just tell me what I can say that will fix you so that I can say it to some other neurodivergent person I work with to fix them? I'm losing clients over here, I need an answer to fix this."

    There isn't a single, simple fix that works for everyone. There are techniques and methods that can help, but you're asking the wrong question. The question isn't "what advice can I give someone?" The question is, "how can I help?" You see how that's a different question?

    I can't tell you what to say to your coworker, because I don't know what will help them. And this is critical for you to understand, neither do you. Making "just" suggestions, like the ones in the example, are based on your presumptions that the person 1) hasn't thought of those things, 2) would benefit from doing those things, and 3) wants you to be the one to solve their neurological condition. Even if all of those things are true, making those presumptions still makes you the asshole in the situation.

    And if you still don't see how, then maybe I'm not the only neurodivergent person in this conversation.

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