My music collection by itself is larger than that. Then on top of it I have game roms, movies, and books.

Yep, if you treat your phone like a laptop or hard drive, then you definitely need a phone with an SD card. No argument there.

Even with my expensive earbuds BT is janky and there's always a delay with every one I've tried.

I don't experience "jank" of any kind, but delay, yes indeed. If you are doing time-sensitive audio tasks/gaming, then definitely choose a phone with an audio jack.

You shouldn't have to take your phone to a shop to repair it. I can change the battery in my phone myself in 30 seconds. No tools or risk of breaking it. There's a button that pops the back cover off.

It won't be as easy as that, but with new Pixel phones, there are official instructions on how to do this yourself now (I believe, some partnership with iFixit?). It requires some work, but swapping batteries doesn't really need to be a 30-second maneuver for me either. It is done so rarely (years), so if it takes me an hour, I'm fine with that.

Yes, if I have to set it down somewhere precarious the less it can move on [its] own the better.

👍 I never take the risk of placing my phone anywhere precarious, but obviously if you are in the demographic where you have to do so (maybe in your line of work, or through your hobbies), you should probably buy a case that alters the shape of your phone significantly anyway. So I don't see an issue here either. I just have the standard case from Google that fits the Pixel 9 and my phone is basically flat in the back.