john brown was good because of the side he was on but venerating religious fanaticism is fucking dangerous because he could've read a different part of the book

He doesn't sound good at all by your reckoning. He just happened to be "on the right side" after flipping a book to a random section and believing utterly what he read. He was just a crazy person. Like Nat Turner and Louverture. Getting themselves killed just because they read the wrong section of a book.

Anyway, how'd it turn out for the people who flipped to the Israelite slavery how-to section? Did any go out and risk their lives to capture some Canaanites or whatever? Did any just reject it, become atheists, and then go start a slave rebellion?

jesus never wrote anything down, the supposed gospels were written decades later and canonized centuries later.

True, I can't claim to know anything for sure about the historical Jesus. But he's at least a literary character and you say the works were canonized. So we can at least speak of him in the way people can argue over what Darth Vader said.

this is wildly off-topic from OP's question.

Maybe so. Would it be sufficiently on topic to say "Islam is pro-slavery because it endorses the Torah, which teaches the proper ways of buying and selling slaves"?