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For like the third time in the past year I've found someone who was DTF but it fell through because I don't have my own place (hexbear.net)
submitted 2 years ago by to c/chat@hexbear.net
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The rent is too damn high, can't have shit in California

They're gonna bury me with my badge volcel-judge

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[–] 27 points 2 years ago (11 children)

Anytime I find myself vibing with someone my brain likes to ping me with "But you don't have your shit together."

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  • [–] 14 points 2 years ago (6 children)

    thats stupid, no one has their shit together and there's not a checklist of shit you need to check off to be ready for a relationship and/or having sex

    also "having your own place" being on that list is american suburban hellscape brained af, having roommates is actually good and efficient (or at least it should be)

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  • [–] 9 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    there's not a checklist of shit you need to check off to be ready for a relationship and/or having sex

    There kind of is. There is such a thing as being unhealthy enough that you shouldn't be fishing for that sort of thing.

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  • [–] 1 point 2 years ago

    of course you might be in a state where you might pose a psychological or physical danger to any potential partner. there's a bar you can go below but I don't think there's a bar you need to rise above.

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  • [–] 5 points 2 years ago (2 children)

    thats stupid, no one has their shit together and there's not a checklist of shit you need to check off to be ready for a relationship and/or having sex

    The problem with this is if you don't have your shit together people will just skip you and get with someone who does. If you're choosing between two people and only one has a place, why wouldn't you just choose them? This wouldn't be that much of a problem if we still had third spaces where things like personality mattered. Since dating apps are heavily skewed towards one gender/position, those in the minority have tons of choice.

    You don't need all of this to hookup or get a relationship, but you do need to convince someone that you're better than the people who do have it together.

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  • [–] 3 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    I guess I'm presupposing that you might have other qualities that are attractive or that your partner of choice isn't incredibly shallow (the latter might be asking too much i guess).

    Also this is all neoliberal "everything is a market" internalized bullshit. You are not in competition with every other guy/gal on the planet when it comes to love. It's about two (or more) people finding each other (which the lack of third places has of course made more and more difficult, but the apps aren't helping anyone)

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  • [–] 2 points 2 years ago

    I guess I'm presupposing that you might have other qualities that are attractive or that your partner of choice isn't incredibly shallow (the latter might be asking too much i guess).

    It's not shallow to pick a more attractive or financially stable date to meet if you have limited information. We're not talking about moving from a short-term to a long-term relationship, we're talking about the barriers of entry to meeting with someone in a romantic context.

    Also this is all neoliberal "everything is a market" internalized bullshit. You are not in competition with every other guy/gal on the planet when it comes to love.

    I don't like that capitalism has commodified dating to the point that it is a competition with the millions of people around me. Love is not a market but dating and most avenues to meet are markets. When I go to a local furry convention, I can usually hookup with people out of my league. This is because I'm a top in an environment that is compromised of mostly bottoms. But when I go on grindr at my local city, I'm just another guy. Your competition in the environment affects your success. It's not fatalistic, but the macro trends influence how you do in the micro.

    I know it sucks that humans are animals and beholden to our unconscious, but it is reality.

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  • [–] [S] 12 points 2 years ago (2 children)

    I don't even need to have my shit together necessarily I just need a place where I can fuck

    I wasn't super surprised when I woke up and they had unmatched me, and I am starting to at least see some consistences in my attractive qualities and getting closer to figuring out my type (short, plump, with curly hair or short hair or short curly hair)

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  • [–] 8 points 2 years ago (1 child)

    If you’re just trying to smash, then get a cheap hotel/ airbnb or something. Anyone that wants to actually date you and is worth your time, won’t care if you have roommates. You might not get laid straight out the gate, but that’s not really the entire point of dating for those seeking a relationship. At least that’s my take anyway, speaking as a heterosexual lady.

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