Autism

[–] dumbass@sh.itjust.works [S] 1 point 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 child)

I'm not ableist to myself (at least I think so), but I always thought of myself as inteligent/good in logical subjects, so now I don't know what to belive.

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[–] DessertStorms@kbin.social 2 points 2 years ago (1 child)

We all have internalised ableism, because all people are born and raised in an ableist society which heavily impacts how we see and think about disability. It doesn't make you a bad person, you don't have to mean it or even be aware of it, it just is. Learning to understand and recognise it will help make your relationship with and understanding of yourself better (as well as why society is the way it is).

I really recommend you read some of those articles I linked, and start to think about why it is important to you to think of yourself as intelligent (or - why do you worry about being considered unintelligent? According to you this isn't something that even happens to you often, so why does it even matter?), why does this vague note a doctor made in a file some time ago change how you see yourself (do they really know you better? What does "logic deficit" even mean? Does it even matter if you'd not noticed it until now?), does any of it even really matter?

This is a work in progress, just sit with these questions and information, even if it brings discomfort, that's part of growing.

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[–] dumbass@sh.itjust.works [S] 1 point 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 child)

Well, it could impact my future life. Where I live, I have to be medically asessed for any goverment provided license and for a job. I would probably easily pass any tests, but you have to send them your medical record, so I could end up in this situation.

Edit: I read all the articles (if I haven't missed any) I understand them, I know, what you make from your live matters way more, than your inteligence, but it still is a statistic, valid or not, it has an impact on your life, if not directly (by being valid), indirectly (your rights).

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[–] DessertStorms@kbin.social 1 point 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 child)

While expecting and worrying about facing ableism from the system and society at large is a legitimate and valid concern, I think that in this case, if by this point you've not only been unaware of any learning difficulty, but also not treated for one, it's not something that will show up in your records or be significant enough to make any difference. I think if you just leave it as what it is - a single remark made years ago that has had no impact on your life until you found out about it recently, it's likely to never have any further impact on you. Though keep in mind that your support needs might change with time, and if it does become relevant, getting the help you need might overweigh the potential complications having any formal diagnosis on your record might bring.

I agree with your edit, that the perception of our own, others, and others' of our so called intelligence can have real life impacts, but that doesn't make it right that that's the case, and we don't have to play along within an artificial framework that is harmful to us if we don't want to (I appreciate and mentioned before that in medical settings we might not have a choice, but I'm talking about how we think of ourselves, others, and the world around us in a more general sense). The more of us decline to participate or give it any weight, the less power the system has.

Bottom line - if you feel like you have an issue that you want to investigate further, or are struggling with certain things, go ahead and seek support. If you feel like you were doing perfectly fine before you found out about this note in a file, put it to the back of your mind and keep on living as you were, the likelihood of anyone but you ever finding out about it, unless you bring it up (and even then, unless you end up perusing diagnosis and support) is tiny.

E: I hope this isn't coming across as dismissive of your concerns, I can understand where you're coming from, I used to have similar concerns, but what helped me as I've grown older is the understanding that I don't have to conform to a society that already generally rejects me whether I play by its rules or not, and so I started prioritising my own needs over its expectations.

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[–] dumbass@sh.itjust.works [S] 0 points 2 years ago (1 child)

I have previously had problems with this, like in primary school, when the documents were still valid, I was known as "the retarded kid" by the teachers. That's also why I didn't want my high school to know about my autism, but professors still, even now, that they know I have autism respect me, because they don't know about since they don't know as much as the primary school did.

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[–] DessertStorms@kbin.social 1 point 2 years ago (1 child)

they don’t know as much as the primary school did

Or maybe they knew more? Because they were seeing you there as is, and they didn't see these issues, nor did you, nor do they seem to interfere with your daily life, so perhaps the teachers in your primary school were just ableist assholes who didn't care enough to learn about you beyond a possible difficulty you were having (or one they were having), which is perfectly normal for any kid that age, but especially ND kids, before they categorised you as not worth their time (I'm sorry they called you that).

In the grand scheme of things, no one ever in your life, unless you show them the document or this post, is likely to ever find out about that note from primary school. Even if there is a copy kept outside of the school, they wouldn't keep stuff like that forever, and there's definitely no "main file of your life" where this will be.

Maybe it's worth seeing this as the traumatic past experience that it was, process that, learn from it, and accept yourself a little more. Those teachers had their own issues, or were just shitty people, definitely not worthy educators whose opinions you should take to heart. I know it hurts and has a lasting impact because I had teachers like that, and decades later I still remember some of their comments, but I don't let it impact me anymore because I know their opinions of me are worthless because they had no idea who I was or what I was like, or what my actual struggles were, and they definitely couldn't have predicted where I would have ended up in different points in my life.

Don't let them define you.

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[–] dumbass@sh.itjust.works [S] 1 point 2 years ago*

Thanks. By saying, they knew more, I ment, about the medical document (since they were the SpEd docs). Most of them never mentioned it directly, but the physics teacher did (since I'm not that good at it) and I felt the disrespect of some other teachers as well, but classmates respected me.

Edit: forgot to mention, the primary school knew more about my meltdowns, that I now mask at school.