I've been pretty on the down low on Lemmy, I'm not the kind of person to post anywhere unless my post or comment can actually for certain be useful, and I certainly didn't exactly want to reveal details about myself, but I'm finding i just want to find some time to kill while I'm waiting for my brother to hopefully go to sleep. As I'm typing this it is 0:46 in the morning, and if I doomscroll all the time I might as well doompost, not the most ideal type of content but it is content.

I haven't had the most fun batch of siblings one might imagine, after both of my parents died one of my siblings just fucked off with his share and forced us to take on debt to keep the house me and my brother have lived in for our entire lives. However we constantly get into arguments and fights over all kinds of things and every so often like today it completely spirals out of control.

The seemingly best response in that instant is for me to disappear until he goes to sleep and thus can't hear me coming back, and I usually hop in the car to do so. This time though I decided to take the bike for a spin, as it's the one thing outside of IT that I find fun, and let me tell you it's something else when there's no one else around and it's just you - I even took it on the highway which I normally don't dare to do as at 11 kW it's in my eyes way too weak to not be a hazard.

This happening in the first place is definitely not an ideal situation though. I've certainly thought to myself a lot of times "this is the last time I let this happen" and then I do literally nothing. It might be time to proper bring this up to my therapist. She does know a bit but I've not told her the full extents, as I'm conditioned not to open up to anyone, in fact I've not told anyone outside of my very close online friends (what does irl mean?) that I might be trans, I've been trying to force myself to use that wording but it's difficult when I can't "convince myself" as actually being trans, at least not yet, still probably going to be a while until then, and maybe it'll take a completely different direction in the end.

For what it's worth, my sister, though she doesn't live with us, sees the clusterfuck that's happening and tries to get me through it, she's been on the receiving end of his shenanigans a few times as well.

It's now 1:12, and he's fallen asleep (or at least I think so, network activity suggests so, what, you think I wouldn't have a way to check when I'm IT-insane?), so uh, thanks (or sorry) for coming to my TED talk.