Be a baby again?

This is why I started therapy. While it gave me a lot of other insights and whatnot, this is the one thing therapy didn't help with. This is the one thing I just try to keep buried, deep as fuck. Because I know, that the only way forward is acceptance. Acceptance of the fact, that there is no going back. There is only this or death. And I'm not ready to take on acceptance at this moment. I'm exhausted from all the therapy and health care efforts. I'm taking a break. I need to just live in the moment for a second. Going to a coffee shop later to drink a large cappuccino and eat a cinnamon bun and nothing else is going to matter.

thanks I'm cured

I don’t think it works like that. You are you because of all the things that brought you here. And you can only go forward from here. You can repair the damage, you can fix some problems, but you can’t undo the damage or roll back the problems. There is no going back to before, there is only walking towards a better tomorrow.

Go back to the void, you mean?

My christian parents mutilated my junk when I was a baby and hit me before I could think. I will never be okay. They chose this for me. I cannot undo the damage they did. I've been drinking myself to an earlier grave because my life has never been worth living.

I have therapy tomorrow. Maybe this therapist can help in a way that the previous four could not, but I'm not exactly optimistic by this point. Just wasting even more time and money.

I need to escape the bible belt, but I fear I am a broken person who does not fit anywhere. I am still trying, for now. Many people find it convenient to scapegoat me for the abuse I suffered, but I was violently indoctrinated into a backwards death cult against my will.

Religion kills. Religion explicitly encourages mental illness. Challenge assumptions to save lives. Just because many people have done it for a long time does not mean it is okay. There are more victims every day.

There is a before?

I don't remember who I was 🫤

Yeah my parents also think it's all in my head. My doctors keep asking if I suddenly stopped having the rare chronic progressive health issues I literally came in for. Everyone would be so much happier if I just decided to unfuck myself. Thanks I'm all cured now!

What has not killed us has made us so, so strange. I cannot wait to see who we are after surviving as long again!

Looking backwards never helps if being happy is your goal

I don't think I can be 9 again...

So before meds? Idk, I think I'd rather be dull than have an anxiety attack at every small hurdle.

Too expensive.

Ah, memories of basic training and being yelled to "unfuck myself" good times.

In this heat? It's not going well

I don't know that person. They don't exist. I do.

Return to protozoan

I would if I could. I used to be pretty outgoing growing up. Then one day in high school it was like a switch got flipped and I became more avoidant and lost all my confidence. I'm only able to be myself online.

I'm working on it, trying to be in awe of everything around me. I try to help students as well, because they find it hard to respond to the question: "What makes you happy?"

Return to monke

Im in my 40's. My wife has helped me return to myself, and I'm barely fit for polite company. We're both pretty feral and its a lot of fun.

It took me 20 years to find a path through college that I could accept that people where neglecting to tell me. I also had me deep paranoia about my high school validated.

I only just started college now, but I have a plan now. Also, why the fuck does every time I meet with someone at CC to sign up for a class, they come up with some mildly adversarial thing to say? Just put me in for the class I asked for and stop giving me advise.