Oh, and fruity beers suck: not just “notes of blahblahblah in my hipster IPA” which can be good, but “we literally put fruit juice in this stuff” which… can’t. I like beer, I like fruit. They do not, however, need to mix on my account.

There's a fruit beer sold around here that's actually quite good, and with a better alcohol kick than most beers. Unlike the ones you mention, it doesn't use barley at all, and tastes kind of like some lambics I've had.