Yeah I think I'm chemically depressed from extreme Trauma (with a big old capital T) but I don't really have the support, money, or mental capacity (or desire) to be testing through different stimulants for one that removes me enough from my own mental faculties that it gently scrapes away my self awareness.
I'm already mindful. I just don't want to be here anymore but understand that the end of things is a lot more lonely so I balance myself in a limbo of misery trying to smile while I roll a boulder up a hill.
Edit: also just stating something on your behalf also sounds like a terrible therapist