I’m so scared for the future and it feels hopeless.
I’m afraid to talk to my friends and family about how bad my mental health is right now because I don’t want them to try to hospitalize me or something.
I just feel like I’ve already experienced the best moments in my life and all I have to look forward to is being a wage slave, debt, and dying alone.
I know that I need to have some kind of purpose to dedicate myself to but I don’t want to do anything. I get so drained from work that I spend all my time off playing video games or watching TV just to recharge so I can make it through the work week. It just feels like a pointless cycle where I work so I can afford treats to make it bearable to work.
My job isn’t even difficult, and it’s remote and pays really well. But it’s so pointless. It’s honestly sickening how much harder people work to actually benefit society for not even half as much. I’m aware that I’m extremely privileged in this regard, but that also makes me feel even more hopeless. If living is this uncomfortable for me, so many more people must feel even worse.
Recently, I’ve been thinking about how scary it will be to get old. My husband is a little older than me and doesn’t take great care of himself, so most likely he will die first. It’s very unlikely that we will have children, and also I think it’s gross to have kids just so you could have caretakers. My siblings are also older. I’m scared to be senile living alone or being abused in a nursing home. I guess it’s possible that we’ll all die a lot younger due to climate change.
I feel like the only things keeping me going are the fear of pain from dying and how my dogs and husband depend on me. I feel like if there was a button I could press to be instantly painlessly dead, I would push it (maybe I should move to Canada?).
I know that my problems are small compared to a lot of people here, and I’m sorry if this post comes across as insensitive. I feel like I just had to get these thoughts out of my head and I really love and appreciate this community. Thank you for listening.
Thank you, I really appreciate this comment.
Obviously, I know tons of people suffer from anxiety and depression and I can’t even fathom what it would feel like to not have anxiety. But it’s whatever the opposite is of isolating to know that someone else has such a similar manifestation of it.
I do see a psychiatrist. I’ve been on Welbutrin for years but at a very low dose. This year, we’ve upped a lot and also very recently added a low dose of Zoloft to try and manage my PMDD symptoms. I usually only get suicidal ideation the week or two before my cycle, but I just finished one, so this is a little out of the ordinary.
I was also seeing a great therapist before I moved to another state and haven’t spent a lot of time trying to find a new one. Which is also silly, because it’s much easier to find a therapist in my new state. I think I get some choice paralysis when I’m searching.
I’m scared to tell the people close to me because I’m afraid to take time off of work to address it. I’m the sole income earner, and even if I was able to get short term disability leave, my plan only pays 70% of my salary.
I am feeling a lot better than I was when I made this post though. I think I sent myself into a spiral by looking at home prices and also my elderly dog didn’t wake us up for breakfast so I had convinced myself that he was dead. Turns out he is fine and woke up when the other dogs started waking us up.
After finishing the post and crying a bit, I asked my husband to get fast food with me, and I think the combination of going outside and treats helped stabilize me.
I'm glad you're doing better. I totally get the thing about sending yourself into a spiral, especially the bit about your dog. I still do that to myself all the time. I don't know your circumstances well enough to tell you that you wouldn't need to take off work, and I won't pretend I understand your relationship dynamics, but I'd still encourage you to keep leaning on your husband where you feel comfortable doing so. Even if it is just going for fast food, love can be such a buoy in when it's hard to keep your head above water. Anyways, like I said, I'm glad you're in a better way now. Hang in there, I believe you can.