FYI on hexbear at least there is a rule "Use of Disengage" to make someone stop replying to you, it's about halfway down the page: https://hexbear.net/code_of_conduct but it is only valid if you also comply with it.

to keep it meta only, I think if you make a detailed complaint about a very recent thread on a friendly instance, it is to be expected that someone can recognize it and comment. no matter who is correct in matter of politics or etiquette, it is predictable that the debate will be re opened.