By the time the average driver understands they need a timing chain replacement, their interference engine has already digested their entire top end.

Ah yeah, I'm not very average as a car owner anyway. I hear a noise, I'm investigating. So far my current car, notorious for timing chain (tensioner) failure, has made chain noise on cold startup exactly twice, both times when oil level was low and that leak's been fixed luckily. Though for that engine it's been said that a cold startup chain rattle for a few seconds is OK, warm startup chain rattle is not. But with oil level in spec, mine doesn't even do it cold.

Don’t fear voltage. Because it’s the amperage that turns you into a donor.

I = U/R, there are no amps without volts. Average car I'm looking at has 300-400 kW peak power, so the battery pack is capable of outputting at least that. And with P=U*I at say 400 volts, 400 kW means the battery pack needs to be capable of putting out 1000 amps. If we were talking about a 400 volt source that quickly drops down under load, we could talk about "amps kill", but with a high power battery pack, the amps aren't exactly limited by anything other than the voltage and your body's resistance.

You want an EV that came off its first owner. Depreciation was absorbed by the first owner, replacement parts are pentiful, the battery has done all the evil is is statistically likely to.

Nah, I want one that came off its second or third owner. I see too many 1-3 year old ones on sale from their first owner. Too new, not depreciated enough.

Honestly, short of buying Musk’s dumpster Delorean there’s no bad options at that point.

Well, tons of them actually. Many of the cheaper ones don't have heat pumps - nonnegotiable for me in an EV due to the shitty climate I live in and the fact that I'd like to enjoy a decent amount of range even if I can't preheat it. Then there's ones that otherwise sound good on paper, but the entire infotainment system is two touchscreens. I want physical controls. I'm very demanding of my cars in certain respects and it's actually easier to meet most of my criteria in an older car than a newer one, which is my biggest frustration with EVs. Give me a 2005-2012 Mercedes S-Class but as an EV and I'll be happy until the end times. Or even better, a post-facelift L322 Range Rover as an EV. That should be a treat if there's no Ford engine to go wrong lol