Alcohol of any kind is a carb, a fairly simple one at that.

Do you have a source to support that statement? Everything I can find, including the American Diabetes Association and Teladoc, says otherwise.

I get that your body processes alcohol similar to fructose, but that doesn't make it a carb.

You do actually absorb alcohol faster when it is watered down. And beer has more water, so you would absorb the alcohol from it faster. The reason shots are typically associated with getting drunk quickly is simply because you can drink a lot of shots faster than you can drink a lot of beer. Doing four shots back-to-back would have people in a good mood, but slamming four beers would have most people uncomfortably trying to keep it down. Simply because the volume and carbonation in beer makes it harder to drink quickly.

All of this is to say: If you want to get proper sloshed, chase your shots with some water. It’ll water down the shots you just took and make them hit you faster.