pissing yourself when you get pulled over by a cop is the best chance you got to avoid a DUI.

Well they might not want you in their car after that.

This absolutely does not work. Basic physics, your liver processes alcohol at the speed your liver processes alcohol. You cannot speed this process up and alcohol does not make it through to your bladder in any appreciable level. You only have so much alcohol dehydrogenase and acetaldehyde dehydrogenase in your body, and these are determined solely by genetics.

Alcohol does have a diuretic property, in that it suppresses vasopressin (antidiuretic hormone) release in the brain, which makes you have to urinate. The whole "breaking the seal" thing is also bullshit, emptying your bladder just means there is now more room in your bladder to refill with urine. The rate at which you refill that bladder is somewhat controlled by urea concentration in blood, but primarily by the diameter and quantity of nephrons in your kidneys.