this post was submitted on 09 May 2025
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Yeah, I and some other psychologists had suspected high level autism, like Asperger, but it doesn't seems to be this. I have a mix of social anxiety linked to my childhood (also called over-adaptation), probably neurodivergence like giftedness, and Endogenous depression. Fuck my brain :D. The good side is that I'm extremely resilient to stress, pressure, or emergency situations.
My last psy (who is excellent) told me that "Autistic people are always autistic". It's really a missing social-related circuits in their brain. On my side, I'm "autistic like" most of the time, but I manage to build close relationship with good friends. So I have this "social circuit", but it switch on only when I feel really secure.
It feel really strange to re-analyse all my life and childhood with this new perspective.
Well fuck me damn. Do you experience anger?
Yes, a lot >_<, but I have calmed down since a few year. I've learned to step back from things on which you don't have control.
Actually, it's not that I don't feel anything. It's even the opposite. I feel the same level of stress when I order a pizza than when I present in front of 100 peoples. Being stressed and anxious is a natural state for me since I was a child. That's what my psy call "over-adaptation". Normal people grow up by alternate time of danger and time of safety. So they learn to adapt to different situation. On my side, I always felt unsecured while growing up. Any situation were perceived as potential threat. So I over-adapted.
Also, some things affects me more than "normal" people. I have very low tolerance to injustice, which bring me trouble in my previous job btw. I'm also nearly unable to lie, honesty is primordial for me. At least, my wife is sure I'll never cheat on her xD. I can also have important emotional reactions caused by little things. It seems like, as connections are faster in my brain, information coming from Amygdala (which basically handle emotions) go too fast through Cerebral cortex (which handle logic). As a consequence, Cortex doesn't have time to filter them.
In the end, like everyone, I'm a mix of nature, my brain is wire differently than most of people, which gave me high IQ, and nurture, because of environment in which I grew up, which gave me social anxiety.
Thank you for taking the time to write it all down.