A Boring Dystopia

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[–] Num10ck@lemmy.world 22 points 2 years ago (11 children)

at 41 its now your job to train yourself, if you care to. if that is your excuse on a blind date, its a red flag.

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[+] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world -12 points 2 years ago (10 children)

Pssshhhhh, if you think lack of cooking is going to affect my dating life, don't worry. I've yet to find the type of woman who's personality type would mesh well with mine.

So, I can't remember the last time I had a date, but I do remember always being disappointed. The VAST majority of women look down on you if you tell them that you'll never have a drivers liscense (me, not her), that you don't forsee yourself traveling ever, that you don't like music, and the whole concept of marriage seems like a financial scam from start until either death or divorce.

If I were to date someone long term, I'd need them to be my speed by nature. Them being my speed has to be something that is within their personality, not me trying to get them to slow down.

My idea of a fun Friday night is to stay in, avoid the bars, and maybe watch a dvd. Most women want to go out, go to clubs, or go on a road trip somewhere. I don't even want to leave my recliner. Although if I was with someone I'd switch to the couch.

But that person doesn't exist.

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[–] glimse@lemmy.world 34 points 2 years ago (5 children)

From one single guy to another.....jeez, man.

The VAST majority of women look down on you if you tell them that you'll never have a drivers liscense (me, not her),

Go live in a city??? Most do not give a shit.

that you don't forsee yourself traveling ever, that you don't like music, and the whole concept of marriage seems like a financial scam from start until either death or divorce.

Wow, no wonder they ran. You start off by telling them the things you don't like?

And I can't tell if you think it's a scam because marriage costs more (it's not) or you're implying future partners will be leeches (major red flag)

My idea of a fun Friday night is to stay in, avoid the bars, and maybe watch a dvd. Most women want to go out, go to clubs, or go on a road trip somewhere.

Let me stop you right there, bud - this is the line that made me comment. You can't pull the "most women want" card when you're so clearly out of touch. MOST women don't want any one thing. They are not a monolith.

What you enjoy doing is not as unique as you think it is. I mean that as a positive - not an insult.

But that person doesn't exist.

Do you really, honestly, genuinely, no-foolin believe that men have the monopoly on wanting a "boring" life? Is it so unfathomable that a woman would prefer chill Friday evenings?

Your problem (in your attitude, not your relationship status) is that you're an introvert trying to find another introvert. Your dream girl is at home on Friday night, too, not meeting anyone either.

I totally agree that it's really hard for introverts to link up because we're all on our own little bubbles. We're not going to big social events every weekend and we're less likely to pursue possible interests. And to add to that, there's fewer introverts in general which slims down the dating pool a lot. You do have to work harder to find "the one" but your requirements don't slim it down by THAT much.

I mean none of this disparagingly but you are wrong about the existence of the partner you're describing so please, from one single guy to another, lose the defeatist attitude.

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[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world -4 points 2 years ago (4 children)

Go live in a city??? Most do not give a shit.

I live in a city. Peoples faces change when you tell them you don't drive. To them it says that either you're an alcoholic whose liscense is expired, or you can't afford a car.

Wow, no wonder they ran. You start off by telling them the things you don’t like?

Who ran? They never existed.

Let me stop you right there, bud - this is the line that made me comment. You can’t pull the “most women want” card when you’re so clearly out of touch. MOST women don’t want any one thing. They are not a monolith.

Not just women. Men too. But I'm not going to date a male.

It's not about being anti-social. Bring over 1000 people. It's fine, as long as they're inside my home, and not out there in the world.

That being said, my home doesn't have room for 1000 people. So realistically maybe 4 people. It's not about the socialisation. It's about the environment and location.

Also, I don't have a dream girl. I find the concept repulsing. I would rather tell a woman everything that most women find to be deal breakers about me, then she tells me all of the things that are deal breakers about her. We discuss if those things are important to the other.

Such as, I will never ever ever ever drive a car. If that's a deal breaker for her, why bother with going on a date?

However, I don't enjoy traveling. I don't forsee myself going to concerts, or other cities. Or even the coffee shop she just heard about in some magazine. But I'm not deadset against it. If it was important to her that we go to rome for 5 days, fine. We'll go to rome. It's not against any core belief of mine.

Whereas if she won't date someone who doesn't drive, we don't need to talk.

And your entire perspective seems to come from the idea that I'm some introvert who keeps going on dates and getting rejected.

Whereas I'm not an introvert at all. I WANT someone I can relate to. In my younger days, people were always surprised because online I'd meet someone new, talk their head off in text form, with 100 new messages a minute, and then they'd meet me. They were expecting someone who can't shut up. And I'd barely say two words, because I observe more than I talk. I just can't observe through text without talking.

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[–] Cataphract@lemmy.ml 12 points 2 years ago

Also, I don’t have a dream girl. I find the concept repulsing

proceeds to list paragraphs of demands that a woman must meet to be considered.

Good luck with all that man, I hope you can look back at this comment one day and realize how unbelievably picky you are. A partner isn't a pokemon, they're allowed to have a life while still loving and sharing a home with you.

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[–] IcyToes@sh.itjust.works 6 points 2 years ago* (1 child)

You will find that if you lead with that, you'll be perceived as negative. If you lead with all negative and no positives, you're going scare everyone away. People who are cynical and negative are offputting. Positivity is a choice. Think about the people in your life. Are they positive or the "well ackshually" types? You may see it as a honest, but if you're not showing your good side too, you are giving a dishonest picture. Give only as much negative as you give positive. Be honest when things come up. Trust is important.

Why don't you drive? Environment? If so, communicating you're doing your bit to help the planet communicates much better when it comes up than "I don't and will never drive". It just come across all grumpy smurf "I hate driving!". Generally on a first date, you meet someone at a venue, and go from there. If you hit off a good rapport, they will not care as they'll be excited of the positives. Most dating is about feeling. Does this person make you feel good? Is there a positive aura here? Is this more enjoyable than being home? If yes, odds of a second date are quite good.

Everyone gets shy on a date, but if you both don't talk, no one will. Feel the fear, and do it anyway, so to speak. How can you make someone feel safe if you're not confident enough to break a silence. How come you'd expect them to do all the talking if they're also shy?

The key point is, you can meet someone who likes what you like, but you have to create the opportunity for that to happen. If you don't, you're choosing the normal not meeting someone path. For record, most of my partners past and present are women that enjoy staying in and watching TV/films and even games. There are many if you want to look for them.

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[–] Whats_your_reasoning@lemmy.world 5 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

You will find that if you lead with that, you’ll be perceived as negative. If you lead with all negative and no positives, you’re going scare everyone away. People who are cynical and negative are offputting. Positivity is a choice. Think about the people in your life. Are they positive or the “well ackshually” types? You may see it as a honest, but if you’re not showing your good side too, you are giving a dishonest picture. Give only as much negative as you give positive. Be honest when things come up. Trust is important.

@Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world The first paragraph here is key.

You sound very familiar to me. If my hunch is correct, then most of the above post probably doesn't speak to you. Avoiding the overwhelming task of driving, being a quiet observer who can write better than they can speak, these aren't matters of "eco friendliness" or "shyness" - these are aspects of yourself that have always distinguished you. I also share quirks that lead people to misunderstand the roots of my decisions.

Which is why I hope you will take note when I say, that first paragraph is solid advice that should best be heeded.

I have had to learn a lot of social skills the hard way. The amount of times I screwed up, but nobody had the guts to actually explain to me what I was doing wrong, made it so much harder to correct my mistakes. The above poster is providing that rare bit of honest feedback that can keep a person like you or me from having to learn a painful lesson the hard way.

Being positive is easier said than done, but it starts in small ways. For example, consider how conscientious you may be when writing. As long as you're putting in the effort, it's worth it to go back and see what can be re-phrased. Sometimes I re-read and edit my own writing over and again trying to get the tone right. (Which is much easier than controlling my tone when speaking.)

Ultimately, if you want things to get better, you're going to have to put the work into it. I know nobody wants to hear that, but I also know that most attempts to help someone with a defeatist attitude are going to be brushed off. I simply hope that hearing from a like-mind that's been there can help you see that it doesn't have to be this way.

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[–] glimse@lemmy.world 3 points 2 years ago

Based on everything you said, you ARE an introvert. I never said you were antisocial - those are two different things. You are wrong about my perspective, you outright said you don't date in your first post.

It seems like you totally missed my point, though. Women are not the monolith you're pretending they are.

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[–] Num10ck@lemmy.world 8 points 2 years ago (3 children)

aktually what they want is to feel safe and comfortable with someone who understands and appreciates them. if you wanna be a home skillet thats wonderful. but yes lack of cooking definitely affects your dating potential, and this is something within your power to do something about. but really you shouldnt learn for dating points. you should learn for you. survival skill, hobby, passion, pleasure, achievement get.

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[+] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 10 points 2 years ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (1 child)

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[–] Eranziel@lemmy.world 8 points 2 years ago

Even if you could care less about the tastiness of the food entering your face hole, everyone should know enough cooking that they can take care of themselves. I don't care if you have or want a romantic partner, knowing how to feed yourself should be next on the list after being able to bathe and dress yourself as a fundamental life skill.

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[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 3 points 2 years ago

Appriciates? Eh, I guess that depends on the person.

Understands? God no. I've never understood a single person my whole life. I can't imagine what would be different about anybody else.

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[–] november@lemmy.vg 10 points 2 years ago

That sucks.

If you want to try learning, start with some pasta. Put water on the stove, boil it, add salt and pasta, stir, drain when the box says (don't cook it too long or it'll suck), put whatever you want on it. You can start by just pouring a jar of sauce on top and upgrade to something tougher when you're more comfortable with it.

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[–] Droggelbecher@lemmy.world 7 points 2 years ago (1 child)

Similar experience growing up here.

I taught myself every single adult skill in my early 20s. I couldn't have done it without the internet.

I'm a great cook though. I'll figure out how to wash clothes without ruining them next.

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[–] EldritchFeminity@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 2 years ago

As my dad's friend would say, "Wash with colors only? Clothes are one color: laundry-colored!"