I mean, no, not really, as regards your title.

The problem with porn is that it has become so prevalent and so filled with various extreme options that I hesitate to even discuss it online. The more a person is into porn, the more likely they are to have escalated their intake and chased those extremes. There's just no conversation around that, that is remotely possible to bond over.

Now, I'm not saying there's anything inherently bad about porn as a thing in itself. Like you asked for, it is possible for porn to be ethical (though I'll be damned if I'm spending the time it would take to find ethical porn and vet it, just being real). Gods know I made use of porn in various forms back in the day. Even have a few magazines and VHS tapes in the attic iirc.

But it's when porn becomes a hobby that I nope the fuck out. Like, I've known men and women that could rattle off porn actors stats and give critiques of performances off the top of their heads. I don't enjoy that kind of obsession with much of anything, even my own hobbies; but porn? Nah, that's just beyond anything I would want to talk about with anyone.

Now, the rest of your post is great! It seems like you have found comfort in your sexuality, and that's a beautiful thing. No bullshit, I'm happy to see someone that's grooving on their own sexuality like that. I wish everyone could find that.

And, that kind of conversation is cool, imo. It's only by communication that we can learn.

For my part, I'm hitting the middle of middle age, so my sense of sexuality is less visceral and more of a slow burn. The joke is that I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once as I ever was lol. I'm glad the old hectic sex drive is winding down so I can spend more time really enjoying sex and sexuality instead of just being pushed by my own body towards orgasm as the main goal. I'd rather spend all day making out with my wife, just building up to eventual sex, then take our time and really experience it fully in every moment.

I don't wake up humping things like I did in my younger days, and gods is that a relief. Well, I don't as often, is what I mean, really. It has become a rare thing. Just ten years ago, when we were newlyweds still, it was not so rare for me or my wife to wake the other up with a bit of sleep grinding lol. Fun times, but not so fun when I was single.

If I wake up horny now, I'll see if my wife is up for it. If she's not, then I prefer to let the feeling simmer until we're both ready. We have that agreement, where we can always wake the other up for/with sex, with the understanding that the response might be a no and that's okay. Pretty rare for it to be no tbh, for either of us.

I also think you're right about the only reliably ethical porn being self generated and shared freely. Once there's money in the mix, it turns into work, and while I have nothing but respect for sex workers, I have no way to be certain that any given piece of porn is fully consensual, with no exploitation, if it isn't the person/people doing it for their own joy. Even that's not really 100% certain, but it's good enough.

Not that I reach for porn any more. Maybe fifteen, twenty years ago, I realized that the best solo sex I had was back when fantasy was all I had access to. It helps that I have a very vivid ability to visualize things, but still.

I ran across a porn clip earlier on lemmy. It was some woman riding a guy while another woman stood there with her tongue out kind of halfway pretending to lick the breast of the riding woman as she bounced.

It was just so fake and empty and a turn off. Like, why would I want to masturbate after seeing something like that? And most porn is pretty similar. It's so empty and devoid of real, human passion.

Anyway, that's my ramblings on the subject.