“I understand sir, and I’m sorry to hear your WiFi is slow, I can absolutely help you with that. To get started, I’ll need your ticket number, 4-digit access PIN, and most recent math test.

Oh, I see here you earned a ‘C’, that only entitles you to 200Kbps down. If you are interested in our 1Mbps service we need proof of a ‘B’ - or if you would like to submit an ‘A’ we can offer our gold-tier 500Mbps service, and if you would like to take advantage of that offer during this marking period I can add in complementary 5ms ping SLA as well. Also your mother has told you three times to take the trash out, Anthony.”