George Archibald Reginald Woodpecker Flats III, 89, from Wichita, Kansas who was born directly from Stalin's womb and has the Manifesto tattooed on the inside of his eyelids.

They say he's never paid taxes in his life, is wanted for treason in every state except Hawaii, and has a lover in every city in the country.

They say he personally hunted down Gary Webb's killer over a period of six years and beat the man to death with a flip-flop.

Rumor is he won't die until the eve of the revolution, during which all Canada geese will permanently flee North America; never to return.