"what's a phone?"

"I don't know why my fingerprint isn't working" (biometrics are disabled)

"I don't remember my passcode" (it's a pattern input field)

"The guy at the phone place changed it for me"

"It's never really worked right."

"There's no Google on it tho." (What does this even mean?)

"Who do you need to call anyway?"

"Can't you just use your own phone?"

Just act like the dumbest creature on earth.