Azfaa

So that is a vague title, but this is obviously spoiler related but it also felt fitting with what this post is about. I am going to be a corny emotional potato right now and I really needed this off my chest.

Also before you go reading my post and complain that is now what you want, it is mainly a self reflection post relating to being trans, transphobia, modern society etc. So if its not your cup o tea, gotcha but yeah. Also unsurprisingly in relation to that, yes I am trans. And I guess I should warn this post will deal with some societal issues, self loathing, emotions yada yada.

So even last season I felt that I could relate to Una's story, having to hide her identity as Illyrian because society deemed it illegal. We saw the anger and fear from La'an when she felt deceived alongside her own identity issues with being related to Noonien Singh. Now of course augments aren't a direct 1 - 1 the same as trans people and I am not trying to make that claim either. But I did read parts of it as allegorical for trans experiences, and I think its also partially intentional. I remember being a bit teary seeing La'an and Una's fight and everything else.

Then we got this absolutely amazing episode dealing with the aftermath. Of course we knew she would be safe but the journey there was what is interesting and this episode blew it out of it all.

Already seeing the way her identity was used and presented as some form of deception, as if she had lied to others and that it was harmful rings a very clear bell with both past histories of laws with lgbtq people but still do today. While I do not live in the US, seeing the laws presented these days, the moral panic and continuous attack made on trans people I see a clear connection. And even if I am not suffering under them, I still fear both for friends who do and the worry that those same laws might come to my country. We can't choose to be born like this, we never had that choice and yet it's argued that it should be used to exclude trans people. It leads to a lot of pain.

Knowing how laws where discussed, might even have passed of trans children being taken from their parents if doctors reported them under arguments of child abuse if they went in to health care providers made me think of the way Una could not get health care for the fear of being arrested with her family. This is of course most likely relatable aswell to a lot of other minorities. The whole passing argument how people where divided in two cities, and those that passed could live in society as everyone else, if they kept their identity hidden and if you didn't passed you would face persecution, hatred etc.

Not to mention when they mentioned all the slurs used, I found so many points where I could change the word augment for trans related things and it painfully made sense.

There was so much here but in the end that is not why I made this post, what actually made me just break down crying and hit so hard in feeling that I was told my own life was okay was this discussion between Neera and La'an.

Counselor: There is nothing wrong with you Lieutenant, no hidden monster inside. But I do know how they make us feel. They look down at us for so long that we begin to look down at ourselves. Genetics is not our destiny despite what you may have been taught. The fear of yourself it’s not your own. It was drilled into you. You’re not born a monster. You were just born with a capacity for actions, good or ill. Just like the rest of us…

While we talk about augments here again, there is a clear correlation with the notion of that self loathing that comes with being part of something you have no control over. That fear of being discriminated against but also the way people talk about you..

I have felt like a monster before for being trans. Same with freak, and a lot of other words. Both being told by strangers but also familiar people's reactions. Feeling like I was damaging their lives, feeling like I robbed my parents of the child they thought I had. The deceiver, liar. I still feel like that a lot of the time. And then just hearing those words, despite the varying context it helped. I felt a bit more at peace, or relieved to see that sort of affirmation on screen.

I don't know how many times I have feared my own existence, or worried what others will think or react. To feel lesser, faker but also potentially dangerous. I don't even know how to explain what it made me feel but I felt seen. I felt seen for the first time in forever on screen and it makes me feel less wrong. Despite everything bad in the world there still exists some good, some people that still see how wrong things can be, and I am happy Star Trek remains there, always optimistic about it despite the hardships.

This turned into a weird rambling post, I am not sure it made a lot of sense but I needed to share/vent somewhere.