The Onion

5534 readers

208 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 3 years ago

MODERATORS

[email protected]

665

Noted philanthropist Donald Trump makes buying stocks affordable to all Americans through kind-hearted economic crash (newsthump.com)

submitted 2 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

15 comments fedilink hide all child comments

“With the near trillion dollar sell-off on the Nasdaq alone earlier yesterday, the rapid devaluing of assets has allowed the American public unparalleled access to cheap stocks and shares on the market.”

Economic spokesman for the White House, Chuck Williams, claimed, “People use words like slump, looming economic depression, lowest recorded IQ of any president ever, as though they’re bad things.

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (4 children)

I wish I could buy stocks right now…

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

You still can afford to buy socks. That's almost the same, just a letter of difference.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 day ago

We have no idea how far the market will crash.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

No one is stopping you.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 19 hours ago (2 children)

I can't just buy in an impulse. I need to study before doing so.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 12 hours ago

EutelSat, and the European MIC just got a $800b investment. Also, NANC and KRUZ might work. They follow the stock actions of major politicians like Pelosi, though dated by 30-60ish days IIRC. You won't be quite on top of things with them, but at least you will be imitating the moves of the most informed fish.

...mind, if the market tanks, buying and selling might move too quickly for NANC and Kruz to be useful.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

Study what exactly?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 12 hours ago (1 children)

To be fair you shouldn’t just be buying stocks and shares randomly. But there is loads of easily available info on ETFs.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 11 hours ago

Yes, global all cap index is the way to go.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 day ago

Give it two more weeks and everybody will be able to!