fakenews

"It's worse than I imagined. They're feeding white people vegetables with SOY in it as part of the #whitegenocide. The elite hate North Carolina because it's based and white and they're killing white people and putting them in COFFINS inside a lithium mine."

Mr. Bongos reported from his hotel room at the Motel 6.

The Trump booster went on to say "We don't get hurricanes in Texas because they know we'd kick their WOKE ass."

Body text crosspost c/badpodting

But they stink folks, they stink! Sega, stinky Sega [crowd boos] ooh I know! What did they have they had Sonic and they ruined him, just massacred him. Shenmue? Oh Shenmue, why? Look how long it took to make 3, too long. So that's why, that's why I'm on the winning team now, CAPCOM - all the way! [crowd cheers] Hit after hit, Resident Evil, Mega Man, Street Fighter, Devil May Cry, I could go on, you get the point. We love them oh we love them very much, very special people!

Dan "Cloud Tricks" Bongos, a "olympic level" pot smoker thought up the idea of Tokemon in the summer of 2005. He trademarked it and by the end of the year he was a millionaire.

Now as Nintendo is poised to unleash on the world a line of edible Pokemon themed marijuana Mr. Bongos is in legal hot water.

"The Alpha Academy" is a desert camp in Nevada that welcomes divorced dads with a massive sign out front that says "Soft Men Create Hard Times."

Men live in bunk houses converted out of dumpsters and eat expire lunchables with dangerous levels of lead.

A full course at the academy costs $250k.

Trump's PR is already ahead of the star-studded rally by launching a viral social media campaign of the "ear shot filter":

"Patriots are urged to download this special filter for Facebook which will show your ear with a gunshot wound much like our President in a big show of support to the likes of ZUCKERBERG that we will NOT be SILENCED."

CNN's k-hole file has reached out to Meta for comment.

The demon now in human form as an anonymous member of a Fortune 500 company said it likes what the Harris Campaign has to offer.

"For a hu-mon I think she'll be a competent manager of the blood soaked empire that continues to ruin the world and subjugate the global south. Unlike DRUMPF who's in it for himself".

It commented to The Times.

"Durr hurr" Carlos Mencia belted out to the crowd that largely groaned. "It's 2024 and he's still making in fun of people with mental disabilities" said Dan Bongos of Los Vegas, "this s*it is old and not funny".

"The new puppet 'soy boy' or whatever was weird and creepy" remarked Caitlin Degeogeo of Reno, "it's like supposed to make in fun of people who vote for Biden, I think, but also call them gay? It was very weird like I said and made no sense."

The duo ended their premiere show with an urge for the audience to vote Republican in November or else "the republic will fall".

Neither Mencia nor Dunham have responded to our emails to clarify.

The fascist weirdo's heart broke when he asked Trump to comment on the recent censorship of Sonja Blade in Mortal Kombat 12.

"What the fuck is that? Some stupid video game shit? Anyway, I got treated very rudely, very badly by the media, more and more people are saying it, they've never seen anything like it."

He went on, crushing the young fascist man who lives in garbage's hopes of a Trump commentary on video game SJW censorship.

He went on to yell obscenities at his opponent JD Vance while calling him a "cracker" and shockingly didn't condemn Hamas. "More like, HAM ASS, BOOM GOTTEM!" he yelled out to a shocked crowd of 65 year old retirees.

The Arena Shooter called "Burden" will utilize Mr. Tricker's patented DNA technology to ensure the racial purity of players. In it players will insert their penis into the controller which will take a DNA sample and prove they are white and get an encrypted key to play.

Anti-racist groups have already taken to X (formerly twitter) to denounce the project. One user named "Ann_Tifa" said he's already reverse engineering the dick scanner to allow any race to play.

"My cat Tinkerbell. Well she's mean. I'd come home from work and she'd slap the hell out of me. Slap, slap, slap, I was like a punching bag, so I fought back. I constructed some swords out of cardboard and I went to town spanking her bum. I spanked her so much into submission she stopped. And I thought, what if this was a game, complete with cats that slap you sometimes?"

As many have feared, western commitment to the brave Ukrainian cause has faltered in recent months, despite massive gains on the front, with the breakthrough in Kurx twice around the earth and halfway to Ladsock on its third run. And even major western publications like CNN and the WSJ have been pumping out suspiciously pro-russian defeatist articles. But what could possibly behind this sinister movement targeted at the very integrity of American knowledge itself?

We bring you now to Larry Pullman of the New York Times, a writer from eastern Europe who recently mysteriously joined the publication, stating his intention to ‘destabilize the west from in—uh, I mean, combat Russian propaganda.’ As we enter his office, he calmly closes a webpage in Cyrillic with three colors that mean… something that we’ve forgotten plastered over it.

Pullman greets us enthusiastically as we question him about the insignia portraying bears and framed Zs over his wall, to which he replies that he’s simply into symmetrically truncated sigma symbols and a wildlife guy. He invites us down and pours us each a glass of vodka while removing his ushanka, explaining the intricacies of his craft in a thick accent we can’t quite place.

“You see, these insidious Russians have been sending cybernetic hordes over the internet to hack our websites and replace our articles with Russian propaganda straight for the Kremlin. And worse, patriotic Americans may fall for this! We wouldn’t want that, would we?”

We voice our agreement and he continues with proposed measures.

"As we all know, Pullman says, “the best way to solve a problem is to throw money at it and ignore it, hoping it goes away. And that is just what we should do here—cyber propaganda is obviously the greatest threat to American democracy. We should transfer the entire defense budget to developing new methods of encryption. Actually, we should throw our entire budget at that. It’s a really good idea!”

Pullman continues with why patriotic Americans might be fooled by this propaganda. “The truth is, many have been brainwashed by Russian bots on twitter. The only way out of this is by engaging them in patriotic reeducation, and sending them to the front in Ukraine, which will surely awake their love for freedom.”

We thank him for his input and leave to petition his suggestions to the DoD as Pullman puts on a fake mustache and glasses while sneaking deviously into the AP office nextdoor.

BEIRUT - The Shura Council of Lebanese paramilitary organization Hezbollah has selected Jeb Bush to succeed Hassan Nasrallah as its Secretary-General, Lebanese state media reports.

Nasrallah, who led the organization for 32 years, was assassinated in an Israeli airstrike on the party headquarters in Beirut on Friday.

The selection of Bush, an American émigré, was a surprise to onlookers who had considered Deputy Secretary-General Naim Qassem and Executive Council chairman Hashem Safieddine as favorites to take the position. However, the decision by the Shura Council, which counts both Qassem and Safieddine as members, was reportedly unanimous.

In recognition of Bush's newly elevated status, the party will be rebranding itself as "Jebzbollah," senior members told the Lebanese National News Agency.

Mr. Bush will inherit an increasingly volatile situation along the nation's southern border with Israel as the latter has escalated attacks in recent days.

poot

The duo famously wanted by the FBI for domestic terrorism against an informant have fled to Russia only to be welcomed with open arms by Putin.

"This is an alarming turn of events" says senior fellow with the National Endowment for Democracy Mikhail Klobb, "these two terrorists know secrets about the government that only a true murderous psychopath could know." Klobb told Hexbear 3 News reporter SorosFootSoldier.

In 2016 Alejandro Cruz picked a nasty nose goblin and to his utter shock and amazement found it to look exactly like the blessed virgin Mary from the bible. He passed in 2022 and now the Vatican is looking to make him an official saint.

"We looked at the data, at the hard evidence of that slimy little monster, and, sure enough, it was the blessed virgin herself looking back at us." said senior Vatican official Dominick Penwin.

The X CEO is surprisingly not in hot water for going gaga over a tweet praising fascist dictator Adolf Hitler.

"I mean, who can be surprised, the dude's from South Africa." Said local man Dan Bongos of Newark.

"It's actually kind of refreshing, in a sick way, to see him so open about being a racist. We all knew he was so he just admits it." remarked Kimberly DiGigogo of Brooklyn.

In the damning leak Mr. Peterson for 2 years romantically texted back and forth with famous Youtuber Jessica "Ariel" Goldeen known for her Little Mermaid cosplay. In on exchange Peterson weepingly leaves a tearful voicemail while drunk talking about how he's losing his sanity to the feminine dragon of chaos.

He revealed on stream it's short for Charismatic Hunks Uphold Discipline. And 10% of the profits will go directly to anti-circumcision advocacy group "cocks and rocks".

The ape shocked caretakers at the San Diego Zoo by signing it wanted to play Digimon on the PSP. When staff told Jesus they only have it on PS1 he shocked them even more by saying "get it on psp, I'm a mobile gamer".

While meeting with CEO Nobuyuki Ishii Trump referred to him as "Jimmy Skip" and asked him if he had any "big boy toys" via translator. When Ishii showed Trump the new X-6,000 series tractor he hopped aboard and started making engine noises while yelling at press "this is what I'd love to do to you, you bastards, just grind you up!"

He left shortly after and headed back home to Florida for a golf tournament.

Reports published late Monday evening describe how the pathogen rapidly colonises the bumbum hole and the weewee tubes causing the victim to lose bowel and bladder control.

Early developments show photos and videos of Hezbollah fighters literally shidding and pissing and it's totally true.

Peepee-poopooitis is not known to be fatal, however it can cause extreme dehydration and cope. Especially virulent forms can result in terminal shitposteroma, a dangerous type of cancer that affects the posting glands.

"You stupid dingus, you bloody moron" could be heard from an irate Joe Biden Monday afternoon at the Diary Queen in Rehoboth Beach, DE. "I bet you kiss your uh your daddy on the lips with that mouth, huh, you stupid slut", he said to the store's manager Dan Bongos. The president dresses down workers at the counter over him mistakenly thinking they were Hunter trying to take his ice cream away from him.

"Oh you bastard, you'll uh pay, pay me, 50 pushups for fifty bucks, hot ass, I'll kiss your ass!" he screamed back while being escorted out by Secret Service agents.