If the posts are removed already: This is a fairly aggrovated response to the vent Mods apparantly having od‘d on Keta again and the AI slop running around here like the mods are probably while shitting their brain out

Lets begin then, post your finest unreflected heuli heuli in the comments about how toxic lemmy is and no one likes you

Delete if this doesn't qualify as a vent.

Many moons ago I got perma banned like many other lemmings. Before that happened I found myself doom scrolling reddit, constantly arguing with people over my opinions and what I enjoy and being trolled. I overall enjoyed reddit though, and was a member for over 10 years. But after the ban and being forced to stop injust realized how shitty online communities are. I don't spend much time on Lemmy like I did reddit. And I can rechose the communities I want to be in. This also led me to stay off of TikTok and Instagram more and just... Chill.

So thank you reddit, without being banned I would have an unhealthy phone lifestyle still.

At this point I should use a different frontend, but given how often YouTube likes to break anything connected to it with its constant changes, I've put it off...

However it's not even the insistence on shorts that's got me writing this. It's their tile/square scaling for videos in general. On my display they're so massive you only see around six to eight videos at default zoom.

Even more annoying is they seem to go back and forth on this, so some days it's like this then it's back to something that lets me see a multitude of videos to choose from without constant scrolling. I understand there are way bigger problems with YouTube than this, but it's bizarre that among all the criticisms I haven't seen this as much.

The content recommendations vary wildly to often being trash, the push of shorts on desktop is bad, and to top it off they seem to want to make the basic browsing experience awful too. Yet they've basically got a near monopoly on user-uploaded videos so I'm stuck venting about them instead of moving to alternatives.

Somebody figure out how to make PeerTube or similar really happen for web's sake.

Yeah interesting that being away from bullies and creeps and abusive adults at an institution, rapists at high school, adults who treated me like a wild animal, and family who bullied me my whole life for every aspect of who I was, I actually have a personality, I can hold conversations, I can work a job, I take care of myself and my living space, and I don't cut myself as much anymore, fucking interesting it's almost as if that stupid shit is fake and all these children are suffering from being the roach of their families and being gaslit into believing constant bullying is love.

I fucking despise the way my boss prioritizes profits above all else, including employee/customer satisfaction. Why bother pleasing the customer if you're just going to fuck them over the next time they visit? Tired of being blame for the complaints about shit that's managements fault and I have no control over.

Maybe if they paid me enough to actually be the employee they seem to want, I would step up and help keep the place in code, but noooo that's too expensive on labor hours. Maybe you should've thought about that before you bought a restaurant???

I'm sorry about complaining here, I'm drunk and don't have anyone/where else to listen to my unimportant shit.

Everyone would seriously raise one child to be an unwanted dependent burden then bully it as revenge for it existing and being a burden. Yeah it could have been an independent human being but you raised it to be scum, and the reason why it's worthless scum is because it was born with some meaningless label, right. Then when it tries to do anything on its own everyone in its life bullies it for trying to be a real human. So funny that it thinks it's on the same level as actual people, right. It should know its place as a dependent burdensome permanent toddler. But then it's too old to need actual people washing its face and brushing its teeth, so the actual people use spit and toilet water as revenge. And if it says anything about it, it's just throwing a little fit for not getting what it wants when it wants and it's funny.

Doing anything on its own it's being a bad kid but then actually becoming independent is so inspirational, that some worthless scum managed to actually be like actual humans! It must be the stupid meaningless disorder that made her so stupid that she was stripped of all humanity by everyone in her life that made her so smart she could get a job. But everyone still hates her for not getting free money from the government so they sabotage the job and tell her to stop acting like she's more than. Right! Know your place. You are less than. You're less human than a roach. Even roaches are too good for you. You're supposed to be a helpless overgrown baby, but everyone will hate you and abuse you for that too.

The longer I live, the more I'll need to fight to just be a human being. What is the point of living if I'm only going to be seen exclusively as That Shit? I envy all the actual people who get to be actual human beings. Like, Toby Fox made those popular games, but if that were me, that stupid disorder made the game. It's popular because that stupid shit made me talented and smart. But if I lost interest in making games, that stupid shit made me uninterested. Just fucking eradicate that stupid fake shit already. Everyone is suffering from something with an actual name, definition, and treatment. That stupid puzzle piece shit is only an excuse to give up on children not worth anyone's time. It's fucking fake and it destroys lives before they can even start.

I have a problem at my job, I have certain coworkers I'm just a huge chatterbox with, I'm not making excuses for myself, but essentially we had a huge project coming up, a lot of looming huge wires, a lot of physical labor. I was chatting and working, admittedly slowing things down, when the supervisor of the department said, "hey, we're calling X over since he's faster, you can go back to your department."

I understand why that manager made the call and I won't blame my tiredness/apathy for why I was slacking, but having that reality check just really made me feel embarrassed and like I made an ass out of myself. I like to consider myself a professional but that was not professional of me.

Ugh, now I'm just grappling with these feelings and trying to make up for it by working my ass off in my department, but I had to take my break to vent.

I feel like I'm worth nobody's romantic time. I never ever flirt because of it. I always assume nobody wants me. And if they do, I genuinely figure they don't know what they want. I'm 26 years old and have never been with anybody. I do have hobbies, I dance (semi-professionally), I like to skateboard, I go to parties, go to the gym, etc. The only attention I ever get are from fat or ugly women. I have never met a woman I liked that liked me back. Or so I presume. Because, again, I genuinely cringe at the thought of me showing romantic interest and the other party not appreciating it. I actually feel like clawing my eyes out if that were to ever happen to me. And still I don't feel like changing, I am destined to die alone. I feel like improving my self esteem is the same shutting your eyes and pretending something isn't there. I also feel like I deserve it. I mean, if I REALLY wanted a girlfriend. I guess I could settle for a fat or ugly woman. But no, can't do that either. I would not be able to love someone if I felt like I only got there through a settlement of sorts. Anyway, I guess you could say, I am one lost cause mother fucker.

I am feeling anxious and emotionally numb. I possibly also feel some depression. It seems like I have had so many cups of coffee since this morning as my comfort drink; I hope this helps brighten my day.

For the past 4 years, I have poured everything I have into my passion as a professional wrestling referee. There's not much money in it, but I've dreamed about making it to one of the larger national companies and this year all my work was finally start to pay off with being booked in Vegas during WrestleMania week and being booked for several large arena shows.

I'm also trans.

Now I find myself in a situation where interstate travel in the US is becoming more dangerous by the day. I am finding myself having to check legislation multiple times a week to see what new laws have been passed and how they could affect me. When it's illegal for you to use the proper bathroom without going to jail (and getting put in with the wrong population on top of it), it becomes impossible that drive the hundreds of miles through these states to where I'm booked.

After countless hours on the road and thousands upon thousands of dollars invested, I'm now finding my dream, which seemed obtainable just a few months ago, being ripped away from me simply because of what I am. I am also losing my entire social and support circle as I have literally no one locally in my life (extremely small town).

American dream my ass. Only if you're cis-het white. I've not been able to stop crying and I just don't care to keep going anymore. In wrestling or life.

Some dude I've known for years just showed his true colours in the most subhuman way possible and I cannot get past it.

I mean we were never super insanely close but Jesus Christ. I never would've expected something so awful from him. It's just one of those classic examples of like, do NOT give people the benefit of the doubt or make excuses for any of their shitty actions. Despite their extremely deceiving, manipulative, cutesy and sweet "personality". Oh maybe he's just a dum dum teehee. No he's a fucking ginormous piece of shit asshole.

Also I'm like thinking back at the one dude I thought was genuinely a good guy and realizing he was a POS too. And I literally just believed what he wanted me to believe. Cause I wanted it to be true.

I don't know where to go from here really. I guess I just have to be alone all the time. Like, I don't think people like me and I don't think it's worth the effort to try to get them to. Especially not at this point.

Like even 5 years ago when I was genuinely pretty I got treated like literal garbage by the world. And no it's not a few bad experiences or being around the wrong people or some bs. I just don't fucking care anymore. Like if I literally was never good enough for anyone BACK THEN, I don't fucking care. Now I'll never be.

Fuck people.

I regret being a child with hobbies like every other child. Every hobby was some stupid Exquisite Talent that I had to be filmed and shoved down everyone's throats for. Everything I enjoyed was only for the smartest intellectuals and I had to be filmed and interviewed for that as well. I literally was the equivalent of Elon Musk and Trump, everyone was so tired of hearing about what random mundane thing I accomplished this time. But I was also the asshole for wanting to be normal as I'm passing up a rare privilege everyone else wished they had.

I also regret losing interest in everything and being a literal zombie staring at walls when I wasn't sleeping as that was proof I had some stupid disorder and needed help. I really should have just been euthanized instead. All lives do not matter.

So basically there were these tortilla wraps I would use to make wraps.. they had 25% corn.

Yes. That is the best I could find. They were barely passable but it's all I had. The only other ok one is some gluten free one at a proposterous criminal price, I'm talking it costs more than meat.

Well guess what. They ruined them. Now it's 15% corn. You'd think it's not that bad right. They taste like fucking shit. The entire texture is different. It's actually revolting.

Fml. Life is shit and no one can convince me otherwise.

If a child went insane something probably happened to them, but label that child with a puzzle piece and nothing happened, they were always insane.

• You will only be as loved as much as you qualify for free money or have some "talent" that generates money.

• Your family will hate you either way, for being a burden that can't do anything for itself. 9 times out of 10 they could have taught you how to be independent but assumed you couldn't do anything because of some stupid disorder label.

• Wanting to be independent makes you ungrateful for their help. These people are helping, with their own time and money from their own pocket, and you push it away?

• But being dependent, as mentioned earlier, makes you a burden and everyone just wishes you would just go away already.

• Mentally disabled people are only ever seen as jokes. You could be a child inexperienced with life or attracted to things for children because you're literally a growing child, but your family will bully you for being [r word]. So, yeah, liking My Little Pony and Sonic the Hedgehog as a teen is funny, but so is liking anything aimed at teenagers.

• You will watch everyone else live real lives, and the closest thing you get to a real life is daydreaming about it.

• Everyone else can be clean and comfortable, but you taking a shower is funny. You wanting fun fashion is funny, you're supposed to know your place wearing hand me downs and bargain tees while smelling like week old body odor. Trying to be clean is funny.

• However, being stinky is a problem and everyone in your family wants you gone. They assume a disorder is why you smell bad, and not the fact they literally bullied you into not showering, and trying to hide your period as much as possible. All this while you feel grubby and itchy, and you just need to deal with it because having soap bought for you is just too funny that your parents never buy it.

• Everyone assumes the mentally disabled are extremely spoiled, and every single issue you have is a petty little non issue. The same people ridiculing you for smelling bad are the same people calling you spoiled for complaining about being unable to shower. You're lazy and selfish for not using deodorant, but you're spoiled and entitled for asking for it and never getting any.

• Everyone in your life assumes your stunted growth is only because of a disorder, and you'll end up in a group home if you're not profitable. In the home, you'll never be comfortable, as all the staff only want to look at their phones.

• You will smell way worse than you did before, especially after all the accidents you've had being unable to use a toilet at home. And wanting to use the toilet makes you spoiled and entitled. You're gross for soiling yourself, and spoiled for not wanting to soil yourself. You're gross for showering with water or not at all and spoiled for asking for soap. You are always the problem.

• The staff ridicule and bully you just like your family did, if not worse. You will never experience real love or the happiness you had when you were three. Oh, right, you'll most likely be fixated on children's media you enjoyed when your life peaked in preschool, which everyone in your life will continue to bully you for.

• You most likely could have grown, worked, and been independent, but were never given the chance. And for those who actually couldn't, they live a life worse than purgatory until they die.

If these people can't just live real lives then they deserve actually therapeutic happy lives, full stop. What is the point of living a life where you literally only eat prison food and sleep while watching Cocomelon? Literally, a life where the staff give you drugs to make you sleep and that's your life. Eating gross food like mashed potatoes that had to be sliced with a fork and knife and meatloaf that smelled like dog vomit and had to be eaten with a spoon, and sleeping. I've seen this shit first hand, where decently bright happy children are brutally abused into becoming living corpses whose minds were murdered when they were babies.

There's no excuse for why this is allowed.

I hate telling people I chose my name as they don't see me as just my name but someone who "prefers" to be called my name. It's either that or them assuming my parents chose my name, which they did not. My parents chose a fake ooga booga mockery of an "African" name that was so bad it could have worked as a racial or ethnic slur. I hated that crap. I avoided making friends to just not be called that shit. I've picked fights with well-meaning people for calling that shit "pretty". I'd rather die than be called that shit. I ditched all my high school and college friends including some I was very close to because I knew they would continue to call me that shit. When I had jobs before the name change, I never stayed in touch with any friends I made there either.

I felt like a lot of weight was removed from my shoulders when I finally changed my name to an actual real normal common human name. I no longer felt like I was stuck in someone else's body with no way out so I can live as me. I finally got to just be me. However, living with family who knew I hated that ugly birth name my whole life is just a life not worth living. They still call me that ugly shit and find it funny that I still hate it today. It's funny when my name or a fake name is on a package. I'm only supposed to be that ugly shit. They claim to love me but they'll never just call me my name which literally saved me from attempting suicide.

At this point we should have euthanasia as an option for children who hate their names, so their families and anyone they knew wouldn't need to call them anything else.

I still feel like it's not worth doing anything if a stupid disorder is going to take credit for everything I did. The same stupid disorder that was the reason why I wasn't supposed to grow or work. There's no escaping that shit and changing my name isn't enough. Asshole data brokers pieced together that I changed my name and connect that stupid birth name to my name when anyone googles either one. I'm just going to be stalked by aps before I end up with als or cancer and trapped in some abusive institution or hospital again anyway. Trying to reclaim my life is wasted effort and resources. If we're so against killing unwanted children then we should at least allow euthanasia for anyone with the unwanted disorders.

I'm about to start DoorDashing for more $$$ to buy things I don't need and also save for my apartment and I'm excited! I know I won't get thaaaaaat much but I need an excuse to ride around in this awesome weather! 🎉

I feel like everyone likes another fake personality instead of me. I'm a void. I'm nothing. Eventually they'll see that I'm nothing on the inside and I'd rather just disappear before that happens. I really give up. I think my boyfriend deserves a better woman but he's so set on me. I'm horrible. I hate that I love him. I deserve nothing. I should have just known my place and continued hiding myself from society. It's all so overwhelming.

I find myself alone now. Most of my family's dead, the ones who're alive are not the kind of people with whom I'd associate, my friends have turned out to be fool's gold, so all I have are my thoughts.

And I've realised that everyone I've ever met, except for two therapists, has tried to change me.

My family did their best to raise me as a soulless tool, existing solely for performance and to bolster my family's public image - I have been their greatest failure.

My friends have tried to shape me into what they wanted me to be, either a heartless dick, a thoughtless prick, or just a door mat. To them, I either feel too much, think too much, or just hold the wrong beliefs.

My exes have never tried to get to know the real me, not a single one. My latest ex started trying to change how I dress and see the world not even three months into dating.

And now I just can't bring myself to trust anyone. Every attempt at being open and vulnerable with people has ended up with them dragging mud all across my soul. I am terrified of people. I am terrified of even trying. And I'm terrified of this deep yearning for connection which has become a constant ache in my chest, because I've been around for thirty fucking years and I'm as alone as I've ever been.

Thanks for reading

I'm just done. I'm always going to be reduced to a disorder I don't have, and a skin color. I'll always be worse than every terrorist or extremist for wanting to be treated normally.

Everyone is against my fight for my own humanity. I give up on living in this society where my only purpose is to inspire all the people without disorders despite having no disorder, and to prove a point to racists who don't even know I exist that a black woman can accomplish things in the same world as all these black celebrities and successful people.

What more "proof" do they need, and why must I live a life of being used? There's no point in perpetually living like a "prestigious" child where every mundane accomplishment is broadcast to the world because I managed to do it despite being... what? Despite being what?

Literally saying a black person can't accomplish anything is racist, but being astonished and "inspired" when a black person accomplishes something isn't? Why is it so special if I accomplish something that wouldn't be noticed if a white person did it?

I give up on living as a circus animal to flaunt around for clout, for nothing in return. I give up on living.

I hate that one of them is interested in dating me and jokes often about me being his future wife. I like him a lot but I'm not good enough for him or worth anyone's time. I'm scum. I know he'd be sad if I died but I think he's better off without me. The others usually see me happy and would probably be shocked that I died. I probably shouldn't care since I wouldn't be there to see them sad. I don't know. Even though my life got much better 3 years ago, I don't see it improving any more than that. It'll go downhill if I don't cut my losses soon. I really give up on everything. I'll be a horrible wife and mother, worse than I already am as a friend and a person. I'm ruined beyond repair, end me