fakenews

The White House hopeful sat down with Dan Bongos from MSNBC and recounted what he saw: "It was amazing, you know, tremendous, we had Anubis there and he was weighing my soul so I could pass on to the afterlife, and you wouldn't believe, my soul was pure, it's like no one had ever seen, even the machine elves were amazed, they've never seen it."

The vice presidential hopefully enthusiastically shouted out "I GOT A ROCK ON FOR EROXON!" and swallowed a handful of the medication at a campaign stop at their headquarters today.

An hour later he was complaining of a painful erection that would not go down. Even after staffers offered him a copy of Juggs and 10 minutes of alone time in the hotel room.

"It stinks!" The former president railed against his work, "working is for suckers, losers, real loser energy, folks, when I'm president, NO MORE WORK! It's true, it's true, we got these big beautiful workers and we make them toil away at McDonald's, nuh-uh, not under my watch, you're not going to have to work anymore!" he added, "we're going to make CHYNA pay for it, it's true, Xi, he's very rude, Xi hates you for being a worker so he's going to foot the bill, he can afford it."

The former president is doing a new first in anticipation of winning the election next month. Trump has teamed up with embattled video game retailer Gamestop to release the store's first in-house designed video game console.

The "Patriotstation 360" is set to launch on November 5th election day with what fans are calling one of the most anticipated video game exclusives in recent history. "The Cheetahmen REBORN" is a remake of the failed Action 52 title from the Nintendo Entertainment System years.

The kickstarter for the console and Cheetahmen broke records raising over 1.1 billion dollars, only second place to Star Citizen's 290 billion.

We caught up we Trump superfan and gamer Dan Bongos, 42, of Newark. "I'm super excited. Trump is the s**t and so is the Cheetahmen. Remember when the AVGN reviewed it? Epic. MAGA!"

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Trump went on to lament about how great his life was before getting into politics. Then he took another swipe at the crowd saying "freaks like you, YOU, have RUINED my life, I HATE YOU."

We caught up with attendee Dan Bongos, 42, of Newark shortly after who commented he was pleased to be insulted by the republican nominee. "It felt good, it's always good when Mr. Trump singles you out and calls you 'smelly'. I feel alive again!"