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As the election looms over the face of America, current president Biden may not be taking it so well. He was reluctant to give up his run in the current election but after he fumbled the debate with Trum, he made the decision to step down allowing his VP Kamala Harris to take the helm. So when members of his cabinet were asked about nuclear weapons, they were more than alarmed. “It’s a highly unusual request” said chief of staff Jeff Zients who reported the incident to the Pentagon.

“Biden is missing?” national security advisor Jacob Sullivan said to employees in the White House, “so he’s missing, then” he reiterates with nobody giving insight as to where he is or was seen last. After Zients spoke with Biden he supposedly “soiled” himself and asked to be dismissed to the bathroom, “it’s no surprise when he ‘goes’ as he always asks to be dismissed but also, the smell.” Did Biden soil himself as part of his plan to go ‘missing’? After national security advisor and chief of staff discussed the situation, Zients recalled how Biden may have been “jesting” but also perhaps not, how he wanted to “push the button” and wanted to see “fireworks” for his “dear friend Kamala.”

“He f****** said that?” Jacob Sullivan said whilst Zients nodded silently. Biden is still missing as of this time, the white house has scheduled a private meeting amongst staff excluding Kamala as she is currently campaigning in D.C.

Pastor Dan Bongos, 47, of Newark's First Baptist Friends Of The Poor church is known on tiktok for "exorcising" demons out of gen z followers. He regularly teaches his male folk the danger of "twitch thotties" and hawks anti-soy pills that also double as radiation protection for nuclear war. But now he's on a new grift, looking for $1 billion in gofundme donations to buy the rights to the holy bible from the vatican and rewrite it so he can make it "based" and not "cringe".

"We're cutting out all that soy shit about loving your neighbor and all people being made in god's image, nah, f**k that" he went on "I'M writing the bible to make it good and fun to read, there's going to be racism and god killing the gays. It came to me in a dream. It had Tucker Carlson and God, both wanted me to do this to save the children" Mr. Bongos said from his truck, plastered in QAnon merchandise.

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Kevin Bongos got the gig by being brother to senior advisor to Trump, Dan Bongos. He's described as a "hardcore NEET and diehard misogynist" and the twist? He's a virgin. Part of the larger "incel" community online, Bongos has created an app that tracks all pregnancies in a state by app and feeds it directly to womanhaters.org, an incel community that tracks in real time abortions and dispatches "first responders" to "deal with" females that decide not to carry.

A woman’s decomposed body has been recovered at a Brooklyn escape room which had been there for months. The body belonging to Catherine Baker, a 45 year old Brooklyn native was identified during the forensics investigation who have concluded no foul play was involved and that Baker had most likely died due to starvation.

Back in June Baker had booked the room to herself which is rare since most patrons go in groups, camera footage and receipts can attest to this as she had purchased the ticket online and was identified on camera in the lobby area. Although foul play is not involved, the employees who worked on the night, one of them having left the job and three others all plead their innocence and claim they all forgot since Baker had reserved a spot at a later time than usual and was alone. “We just thought it was a prop and didn’t really question it” says one employee who wants to remain anonymous. “We include horror elements in some of the games and we thought the body was added to the room by the designers.” The same employee also claims they never noticed any foul odors emitting from the body.

The question remains why the victim was never heard from and why she remained locked in for weeks without having been noticed by anyone. CEO of The Escape Game Todd Cum addressed the situation over twitter, adding further details which may produce answers. “We have four locations in New York City and each one is booked in advance… our designers prep the rooms with different themes which can take weeks and months of preparation. Some locations may only receive one booking per fortnight so we close the locations when they aren’t in service… the employees would then work at the alternate locations across the city when the others weren’t in use. We apologize to the family of Mrs. Baker.”

Police are still investigating the incident.

At a campaign stop in North Carolina today the former president remarked, "uhh let me be clear, I love Satan, I'm happy to play him".

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"We need shitlibs in the white house" the presidential hopeful explained, "and when I think of the queen on shitlibs, she's IT." Ms. Jardin did not respond to questions but did ask an axios reporter "homie what set you from?"

"And on day one, day one, of my administration, we will unleash the largest deportation of WOKE video game developers ever" he said. He went on "the people that ruined The Last Of Us 2 by transing it will face fire and fury the likes of which has never been seen".

The 78 year old comedian told authorities he was heading off to Serbia to meet with a contact of Vladimir Putin to join Steven Segal's unit currently fighting in Ukraine.