I prefer the soothing "you're being hysterical"

Am I a weirdo? If someone tells me to calm down it kinda wakes me up and makes me think about why I'm getting worked up. It doesn't always calm me down if I think I'm right to be frustrated, but if I'm being unreasonable it usually will get me to take pause.

As my father used to say, "The only decision you should make while angry is to stop being angry."

In the game "Death Road to Canada", if you have a character with low intelligence, you get the option to say "Cool it!" when talking to people you meet along the way.

That dialogue option always makes them angry and either stop talking to you or attack you outright.

How many tits were calmed by 'calm your tits' tho??

Which is why I only use it when someone is being a genuine dick, 'cause I know it'll send them into a rage.

They will, in fact, calm up.

I disagree. I told my wife to "calm down" once, and it worked perfectly. She went from emotional to very calm and focused.

It might have been at the incongruity that I would actually dare say that, or just the time for her incandescent rage to move to fully focusing on me, but she DID calm down (for 2-3 seconds).

This is particularly poignant as an autistic person. Being told to calm down when there's fucking nuclear reaction levels of anxiety going on in your brain is a level of condescension that would set off even the calmest motherfucker on the planet if they could experience this for even 5 fucking seconds.

I'm not a woman, but I can at least partially relate to how awful it is to be told to calm down. Shit suuuuuuuucks.

Tonality is clutch.

Full stop.

"Alright, relaaaaax"

If you add some form of "chive on" it does appear to work, tho'.

“Linda, listen”

I don't think it's meant to. I mean, isn't it a more polite version of "shut the fuck up"?

I disagree. Rema ft Selena Gomez is very soothing.

Hands on hips, nose in the air: “I only speak with people who are calm.”

"Ok ok alright"

And the always helpful: "I'm just calling 911".

(about 2:00 in)

Can you start breathing deeply and count to ten on your fingers / quietly announce “I’m counting breaths” partway through? Maybe motion for them to join…

Perhaps with friends at least

*Trying to have a perfectly reasonable discussion with someone.

Calm down

Throws first punch

Wrong.

It calmed at most -500 people just today.

If you say it in the same tone of voice that Muhammad Ali used to tell Joe Frazier to sit down during that television chat show altercation, and while slowly unzipping your trousers in a manner similar to when a cop places his hand on his holstered Glock, it works pretty well.